Despair
by General Junos
Summary: Fenris x Loki one-shot. Time does nothing but destroy everything. But once in a blue moon, it can sometimes help rebuild.


A/N: I've never done a one shot before. So, here goes! Usual copyright stuff goes here.. blah, blah, blah...

WTB more volumes of Ragnarok, PST!

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"To be forgotten is worse than death..." Freija, _FFIX_

Time. It ruins everything.

It destroys the mind, the body, but not the soul. No, time means nothing to the soul, the essence of every living thing. But it does leave imprints in the form of memories. And memories can slowly chew away at the soul. Such a vicious cycle.

Fenris Fenrir was caught in one such cycle.

After hundreds of years, the wolf god had been reborn with memories of her past life, and those memories guided her to the reincarnation of Balder, the love from her last life. It should have been a happy reuinion, or at least that's what Fenris told herself. Sadly, it was anything but. He didn't know her, he didn't remember her, and on top of it, he didn't love her. It was a slap to the face.

But she was a stubborn woman. She wouldn't give up so easily. For years, she pined for his interst, stood by him, helped him, guided him, and it took all those years to realize it was all for naught. He was not Balder anymore. He was different. He was Chaos. And he loved Iris. Fenris was nothing more than a friend to him.

And it hurt.

No matter what she told herself, no matter what she did, it still hurt. Even when he did things -so- unlike Balder, things that would only annoy or upset Fenris, it still hurt. She would always love him. She would always love a memory.

And like any other night, she watched Chaos and Iris with nothing but jealousy...

Chaos, Iris, Fenris and Loki had set up camp in the woods of Southern Midgard. The weather was nice enough to allow the lot of them to just curl up on the forest ground with nothing but blankets and a small fire. As usual, Chaos and Iris fell asleep first, snuggled up beside eachother and breathing softly. Fenris was perched on a log, staring into the small fire before her. All she wanted to do was sleep, but she had trouble doing that lately. Why, she couldn't say for certain, but she was pretty sure it was because of the turmoil her heart and mind were in.

With a sigh, she closed her eyes and raised her arms above her head, groaning softly as her bones cracked with her stretching. Blinking a few times, she paused with her arms in the air and turned her head to peer to her right, her eyes falling upon Loki's back. Night after night, the assassin refused sleep, prefering to stay up and keep watch. Fenris would always comment that even he needed to sleep once in a while, often trying to convince him to let her take over night watch, but after all the years she had traveled with him, she gave up, realizing her words fell on deaf ears.

Since sleep would not claim her, and sitting there stewing in her own personal misery would be pointless, the warlock stood and made her way over to Loki, pausing beside him and crossing her arms over her chest. He didn't move or acknowledge her in any way, but she knew he was aware of her prescence. As a breeze passed them, she lifted her chin and inhaled deeply, taking in the forest scents.

"Why do you do that?" his impassive voice cut into the silence.

"Hm?" Fenris blinked, turning to look at him. "I've always enjoyed the scent of the wind."

The assassin shook his head. "That isn't what meant." For a moment, he turned and looked towards Chaos and Iris. "I mean, why do you hurt yourself?"

Following his gaze, she sighed and shrugged before turning back around, her back towards the sleeping couple. "I don't know," she replied softly, lifting her head again and looking up towards the moon.

"It doesn't seem logical." He turned back to stare out into the dark forest, as though always searching for enemies.

"It isn't. And I don't know why I do it. I wish I could stop, but, it's not easy."

"Why not? All you have to do is ignore it."

A wry chuckle left her lips as she tilted her head and watched him from the corner of her eyes. Despite all the years she had traveled with him, she still didn't know Loki very well. It was how he was - he didn't like to get close to people, she assumed. Or maybe he didn't know how. "Maybe you could, but, it's not that easy for the rest of us. Think of a child. If he falls and cuts his hand, it hurts, it's not something he can ignore."

"Children are weak, vulnerable. That's nature."

"Yes, but, it's very similar for adults. When you care for someone so much that you would sell your soul to ensure their safety, but then find out they don't feel the same, it hurts. Those feelings don't just go away. It takes time. Sure, maybe you could ignore it for a little while, but the pain is still there."

Loki turned his head to meet Fenris' gaze, his green eyes glowing from the moonlight. She could tell he either still didn't understand, or thought she was foolish. With a sigh, she bit her bottom lip, staring out into space, trying to think of a different example. "You would do anything for a member of your guild if he was in trouble, would you not?" she turned back to him. He nodded. "And if someone in the guild wouldn't do the same for you, how would you feel?"

"Betrayed."

"It's very similar," she shrugged. "Not exactly the same, but it's the best example I can give you."

"But if something like that were to happen, I would kill the betrayer and then move on. I would not dwell on it."

Fenris blanched. Alright, perhaps she had come up with a horrible example... With a shake of her head, she threw her arms in the air, giving up.

Turning to look into the forest once more, Loki spoke up: "Perhaps it is similar to how I felt when I saw you fall from the airship. I knew that I had to save you, that I did not want anything to happen to you. And now that I look back on it, I'm certain that you would have done the same for me."

"Yes, I would have," Fenris smiled, her eyes settling on his face once more. "You couldn't ignore what was happening, so you saved me. Chances are, if you had not caught me in time, and I had died, you would regret it. So yes, that's similar to the pain I've been putting myself through."

When Loki nodded, she knew he was beginning to understand. She also knew that Chaos, Iris and herself were beginning to rub off on him. Over the years he had become a bit more vocal, and she could tell he was beginning to feel things, to become emotional. He may not show it out right, and he certianly may not let those emotions control him, but his eyes were all around softer, more human. Knowing that made her happy.

"I would never hurt you."

Slightly startled, Fenris pulled herself out of her mental reverie to notice he was fully facing her. Had he been this close to her a few moments ago? Involuntarily, a blush crept to her cheeks, and for some reason, she couldn't meet his gaze. "I.. would never do anything to hurt you either," she murmured, her eyes now glued to the ground.

"I know." Reaching out with his armored hand, he placed it on the side of her cheek and leaned forward to kiss her.

His lips were so cold and rough, and yet at the same time, so inviting and gentle. It thoroughly surprised Fenris, which would explain why her entire body stood stock still, why her eyes where wide open, and the blush spreading to her entire face and ears. And it seemed it was over before it had even began. When he pulled away from her, she couldn't -not- look into his eyes.

"Perhaps that will help you get over your pain."

"I.." Fenris didn't know what to say, she didn't know what to do.

Letting his hand fall back to his side, Loki turned away from her, his eyes once more looking out into the shadows, returning to his night watch. "You should get some sleep."

But rather then follow his advice and return to camp, Fenris stood where she was, her hand moving up, fingers lightly touching her lips. Loki had just kissed her. It was not something she would have ever expected. It was not something she ever thought Loki would ever do, to anyone, let alone her. "Why?" she whispered.

"I may not have a soul, but if I do, I think I would sell it to ensure your safety. I don't know why. But then again, it's not something I can easily explain, is it?"

Had she been so stupid? So blind? How had she not noticed? For whatever reasons unknown to both of them, he had grown to care for her. Either he had been too good at hiding it, or she had been too oblivious to it because of her turmoil over Chaos.

After a few moments, Fenris found herself moving closer to him, gripping the armor over his chest before resting her head against it. The only response he made was to wrap a protective arm around her shoulders, and when she felt that, she cried.

Perhaps time wasn't as horrid as she thought it was.

Perhaps this is what it had in store for her.

Maybe her vicious cycle had been broken.

And she would be stronger for it.

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A/N: I've been playing FFIX and rereading my Ragnarok manwha recently, so for some reason, Freija's quote from the opening of the game just.. stuck. It's also the reason for the title of the one-shot. Fits in some ways, doesn't in others. Oh well!


End file.
